For the optimists and pessimists

It’s really nice to have somewhere that I can just throw out my thoughts. Just let them rip. I can’t remember the last time I wrote in a journal. Usually I just draw or paint. Lately, I found myself coming to this site more and more. I began reading and it became interesting to me that so many people have so many of the same problems. I decided I would try writing myself.

I am from a broken home.

I like to think I am different than most people.

I am an old soul.

I am strong.

After being through all that I have, let me spare you the details, I have become a strong person. I am kind hearted, however, if you fuck with me, you’re done. I have learned blood is not thicker than water. You can’t choose your relatives, but you can choose your family. No matter where you go, no matter where life takes you, you will get through it. You will become a tough person, just like me. There are so many people that weasel their way into your life. The take things from you, the take you for granted, they take advantage of you. These people are called “takers.” They take anything they can from you until you are emotionally as well as physically drained. They despise their lives… which means they try to take you down to better themselves. There are “givers” as well… also known as optimists. They will lend you things and let you take from them without expecting anything in return because their life is so jolly and wonderful, they have no negative energy.

Then there are people like me. I am neither a pessimist or an optimist… I just consider myself and opportunist. When an opportunity comes, I take it. Any chance I get. I don’t think about it, I just do. Which is what brings me here today. I am spontaneous. I am smart. I am strong. I would consider myself one of those people that you really don’t want to mess with… especially if you’re an egotistical piece of shit. But you know what? Fuck it. Fuck life. Life is the most difficult thing I have ever done, I don’t know about you but for me? I was dead set on quitting. I felt like it was time to stop. I was the optimistic person who let anyone walk all over them. Then I was the lonely pessimistic asshole who was a genuine bitch and a kleptomaniac. But you know what? Being both made me realize you need to be a little of each at the same time. I have learned so much in my life, I’m ready to let go. I have lost everyone I love, except for one person.

Can I tell you something? Like REALLY tell you something? You need to listen to me… maybe take it to heart. I will be hard on you, just as everyone was hard on me.

Quit being a little pussy and letting people walk all over you. You need to stop letting them use you. They are not your friends if they only call you when they need you! Grow a pair and tell them to fuck off! Or make them pay. Seriously. “Dude can I crash on your couch for a few weeks? My parents kicked me out.” Fucking make that asshole pay some rennet. Don’t let them take you for anything short of what you’re worth! Be a man and step up. Life is too short to let everyone take your happiness away.

And to the pessimistic asshole: Why the hell are you so down? What’s so wrong about your life? You’re still alive aren’t you? You’re still breathing, yes? Don’t make a life threatening illness an excuse. Get off your lazy ass and go see the world. Put a fucking smile on your face and meet death with a handshake and a hello. All you douchebags don’t realize that life will turn around some day. Whether you are happy being a miserable piece of shit or “misery likes its company” so they say. Either way, don’t be bringing other people down with you. That’s not fucking cool. Some people have worked their asses off to be that optimist that you’re taling everything from. How about this? The next time you try to take with no intentions of giving back… go fuck yourself instead.

Nostalgia and heartbreak,

I guess I built you up in my head more than I intended – built you a castle to live in. My heart fell, and I fell, and by the time you had spent the night with me in my room and said that you did not want anything more than something casual – I had fallen so far, I did not care what you wanted from me. I wanted you, for as long as I could have you. I wanted you and the eyes that were so green, it was like spring ad some early and all the hurt and pain would melt away. But I did not know how the dark corners of your soul were – I did not see how far I had fallen – I did not understand that I was nothing to you, nothing but some stupid girl to use as a gentle reprieve from whatever you were running from. I fell and I fell, and I could not hide it from you – I begged you to be with me. I felt messed up and washed up and so incredibly vulnerable for you, I wondered if you could see the cracks where I might break. But you turned me away. I walked the streets, trying to outpace my thoughts, outpace the nervous despair that I wore like a second skin. You could not let me in, you said. You had not meant to lead me on, you said. But the fault was mine. From that first night, I knew that I was going to fall for you. I knew you were not going to want more. I should have stopped then. What if I had never shown up at your door so long ago? Sometimes I think it would have been better to never loved at all.

Open My Eyes

To the girl out there waiting to love someone-

I’m right here. And I’ve been waiting here for years. But for some reason, God has granted me with blindness, and this proves to be a problem.

I look for you around corners, but I can’t see. In window reflections, I envision you next to me, but again, I can’t see. Wherever it is look, I can’t seem to find you.

So I challenge you!

Reach out to ME. I know you’re out there, right in front of me, but all I need you to do is tap me on the shoulder. Be the light to my path. Direct me into your arms. Because, just like you, I’ve been wanting to love someone – you.

Signed,

 The boy too blind to see

Just to let you know...

Honestly when I found out you had a girlfriend, I didn’t know what to think. You just let it slip out, like it was publicly known and it was no big deal. Well, surprise to me! To be honest, I am a little jealous,  but I can’t say anything because we were never together, nor did I ever want us to be. But I feel like I lost one of my closest friends because of it. I was the one you always came to about past girl problems, and I would always tell you everything was going to be fine, you don’t need her anyways, and pick you back up when the bitch never texted you back. Not only am I a bit jealous, but I’m upset that you never told me about her. We didn’t talk all summer because both of us are stubborn about texting the other first, but that’s fine. We are the type of people who don’t need to see each other or talk everyday to still be good friends. But a simple ‘hey, I met this girl and I think its gonna work out this time’ would have been nice. I am truly happy about the fact that you finally found someone that it worked out with-you deserve someone who will make you happy because of all the shit you’ve been through in the past. I just wish that our friendship could go back to what it was before. I miss you and want my best friend back. And as a forewarning-if she breaks your heart, I will break her face J

This is probably

The 30^th letter that I’ll never send to you. it’s pathetic how I write my feelings down in a blog but  I can’t say anything to you. This is the longest we haven’t spoken. It’s been almost a week. Since you came back home from your 8 month ****** we haven’t gone this long without talking or at least seeing each other. I know we’re both now being stubborn, because none of us wants to contact the other first. At least that’s what I thought. But what I’ve learned is that if a guy wants to talk to you he will. He’s not going to play these texting games that girls play. I miss you so much. I hope tonight changes things. 

maybe

Maybe we were meant to fall in love, but not meant to be together. 

Almost Doesn't Count

Perspective. When it comes to something close to us, we don’t have any. We see what we want to see because we affect our own realities. Take ourselves out of the equation and put someone else in it. Make ourselves an objective bystander. Would we see the same thing?

Most likely, the answer is no.

So I’m going to stop torturing myself over the almost. Because almost isn’t going to get me anywhere and it never go anyone else anywhere. Almost is closer in the grand scale of things to no than it is to yes. Anyone who thinks otherwise is holding on to what DIDN’T happen!

And I’m not doing that anymore.

If you want to make any kind of use out of your almosts, pick them up out of the middle of the floor where they landed when they (almost) broke you and use them as a prop to keep the door open. That way you’ll see it but you won’t trip over it on the way to the future. It’s a better use than staring at it as you write ode after ode to what might have been but wasn’t.

Hey. I’m as guilty as the next. I (almost) forgot to move on. 

My Heart Dreams

Dear heart,

Remember that you have to keep beating no matter what the circumstances even though you’ve been really hurt, more than once, you have to keep beating. You cannot quit doing your job because you’re working your hardest to maintain a barrier, you’re missing out on something much more worth while. Sometimes, as a heart, you have to work a little harder when the chance comes to talk to someone who could change the way that you work. One day heart, you’re going to meet another heart who beats to the same rhythm as you and you’re going to have to be willing to open up to them. I know that it is a scary deal because sometimes you feel like you’re breaking for a little while, but you’re actually just adjusting. I know that it may seem like it is a challenge. Well, that’s because it is a challenge. Accept the challenge, beat hard, keep going, allow things to happen how they should. Let those barriers fall down and embrace the love that two hearts beating together exude/

Love,

Your owner

“It Only takes a Moment

To be loved a whole life long.”

Remember that the decision you make in one moment can affect everything that comes next.

It is for that reason that you must be spontaneous.

Don’t spend several moments to make one decision.

Spend one moment to make one decision.

Spend one moment to make a decision that will last for several.

Don’t spend your life waiting and wondering.

Find out now.

You never know until you try.

Live for tomorrow

Laugh at yesterday and

Love today.

Dear you,

I want you to miss me. Does that sound bad? Well I do. I don’t need a commitment. No “I love you” or “I like you,” just miss me. I want you to try and stop me, don’t just watch me go.

Miss me

Me

Confession

I’ve been single for my whole life, 17 years.

Most of the time, I’m okay with it.

But I can’t help it. Sometimes, when I’m lying in my bed, reflecting on all unreciprocated feelings I’ve had for certain boys, and that little voice inside my head screams, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Will you be my dirty little secret?

To be honest, I don’t even know where to start with this. Maybe I should start by saying I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I would have never guessed I would feel the way I do about you now. That first night we drunk texted and you said you would make out with me if it was the last thing you did, I was completely weirded out and I had no idea what to do with myself. Then I got to know you a bit more and found out you’re actually a really great guy. Why do you have to be such a good person? That just makes things so much more complicated for me. I wish I could get you out of my head, but to be honest all I can think about anymore is how bad I want to be with you. All the goddamn time.

I don’t want a relationship with you-not at all. What I want is for us to sneak around; steal little, hot, secret moments together. I want to get kinky with you-SO bad. I want you to be my dirty little secret and never tell anyone about it. Then in the morning, I want to continue on as friends, just to turn around and do it all over again the next night.

I know the whole “friends with benefits” situation is never ideal, but I feel like in our situation, it would be perfect. Because even though you are a great guy, probably one of the truest people I know-I know a relationship would never work with us. It would just complicate us and ruin everything we are. Let’s not let that happen.

Sincerely

You (hopefully) soon-to-be FWB

Countdown

The
10th of December was
9 days before I left, and there were
8 thousand words I should have been writing at
7 pm that night because I had
6 papers due but you needed a prop girl
5 minutes before the show and be
4 I knew it I was that girl and
3 drinks later I was way too drunk
2 walk myself home and you were the nice
1 who made sure I was okay and my heart went from
0 to 60 everytime you smiled at me.
1 week later at
2 in the morning, you walked me home again, and
3rd times the charm, I asked you to stay
4 the night because it was barely
5 degrees outside and I was falling for you out of
6 billion people in the world, despite only knowing you for
7 days. And now
8 months later, and
90 days since I told you I loved you, I thank god for the
10 days I had with you in December.

I'll ask nicely-Please GTFO

I have one request-please get out of my head. It’s been 9 goddamn months since I’ve seen you and 7 since we’ve even talked. WHY do you still take up a little part of my memory? It’s not like we were even close-we met on a freaking cruise and knew each other for a week. But something about you changed me. And to this day, I can’t put a finger on it.

I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that I know if you professed your love to me, I would drop everything for you, no questions asked. I would do anything to be withyou and I don’t know why.

I wish I could get over you. But I know that’s not gonna happen for a very long time. 

Please Explain To Me...

You went and did it again. You kissed me without warning, but once again, we weren't sober. No. You have to basically blacked out, and then when I try to even ask you if you remember the night you ignore me and act awkward around me for the next few days. I just wish you could be mature about it and give me a straight answer and move on-it's not that awkward! You hook up with other people all the time and can talk about it-why am I so different? What makes it awkward with me? Yes, I understand that we're good friends, but it happens. Hell, two of our friends hook up all the time and they don't have to be drunk to talk/joke about it. Why can't you be like that?

I really wish I could go up to you and just ask you straight up-Why is it that  you can only kiss me when you are almost blacked out? Are you embarrassed that you've kissed me? Do you have an attraction to me that's so hidden you don't even want to admit it to yourself unless you're blacked out? Or is that you don't want it to ruin our friendship? Well let me tell you something-it's only gonna ruin it if you let it.

I'll be honest-I've wanted it to happen again for a long time. The first time you kissed me, I felt the fireworks everyone talks about. I thought to myself, "huh, maybe this could be something." But then you turned around and wouldn't talk to me for a few days. This time after it happened, my first thought was "Why the hell did I just let that happen?" And I don't know why. When I look back on it, I'm glad it did. The fireworks were still there; so why did I instantaneously regret it? Did I, in my drunkenness, realize it was a bad idea because of the way the last time turned out? Or did I think that this can't be a real thing-I'm drunk. It's been 4 days now, and while you're not awkward, which makes me hopeful, we haven't exactly seen each other much in those past few days.

And you've confused me again. I just wish I knew what was going through your head in that split second you decided to put your lips on mine. Because I honestly don't know if I like you or not. I like talking to you and hanging out with you and kissing you-but the thing holding me back is the little fact that you only make a move when you're drunk. I just really wish I knew what goes through your head when you see me. That would make my life SO much easier.

So after all that ranting, here's what I really want to tell you: I really wish we could be totally honest with each other about what happened without being awkward. I wish we could kiss while sober, to see what it's like. I wish you would tell me what I mean to you and what you thought before/while kissing me. And finally, I truly hope, even though I probably shouldn't, that we will kiss again. Sober or not.

Questions After a Hook Up

The questions that I want to ask after our hook up:

How do you feel about having a blunt and honest conversation? Did you have fun? Was I any good? Why didn’t we use a condom? Where do you want to go from here? Do you want it to happen again? Pretend it never happened? If it happens again, do you want it to be the same way – a drunk sort of hook up thing? Could it be a sober hook up thing? Are you interested in more? Getting to know me? Being friends? Friends with benefits? What about anything more? Relationships? Do you do those? Are you emotionally available? Are you interested?

No pressure.

Let me answer my own questions for you: I really would love to be blunt and open, I’m sick of playing games and dancing around what we want or need – you don’t get what you want just willing it to happen. I had fun, you were surprisingly good, which led me to the “do you do this often” question. Did you even come? I don’t consider myself someone who does that sort of thing often. The worst you’re going to catch from me is a cold, which I apologize for, I’m pretty sick right now. I think you’re cute. I do want it to happen again, but I’ll let you dictate on what terms because I’m pretty open to all options. I’d rather not pretend it never happened because that’s childish and I’m not ashamed that it happened. If you don’t want it to happen again, that’s fine. If you want to continue pseudo anonymous hookups with me and not really get to know me, that’s kind of kinky but fine, just let me know. We’d absolutely have to use a condom every time. On the other hand, I would be happy to get to know you, be your friend, or your friend with benefits, and I don’t know you well enough to say anything beyond that.

I really don’t mean to come across as needy or as domineering by asking all of these questions, I just want to open, and perhaps, blunt.