Good Kiss

Is it just that you are a good kisser when I feel like our lips fit together like matching jigsaw pieces, and when we kiss I can think of nothing else, I am completely consumed by it never feeling a desire for it to end, and your hand hold my face and bring my mouth to yours, so gently and softly, to me I feel so much passion like my mouth belongs on your mouth
So I ask you
Is it because you are a good kisser that your kiss lingers on my tongue and in my mind?
Is it just me who feels so involved in our kiss or do you ?
And if you do what does it mean, to kiss another who you feel fills apart of you that has long been empty ?
because I’m going crazy trying to figure it out.

Why are you doing this?

I wonder if you realize how much this hurts me? I have no idea what you are feeling on your side of this but I wish you would talk to me. We cannot keep doing this to each other. I am ready, do you not see that? Are you afraid we could never live up to what your parents have? (We will.) Are you afraid you are not at a point where you can provide? (I do not care.) Are you afraid I will notice your flaws and my feelings will change? (Nothing will ever change my feelings, not after this long.) Now please, break the silence. You have nothing to be afraid of, I will be there for you. I will not pass judgment I will tell you whatever you want to know and I will love you for forever and a day.

A Realization

Another drunken hook up. Happens all the time. Except this time, my friends knew you. When I told them who you were, all they said was “That bastard!” obviously, I knew something was wrong. Well yea, it was. You have a girlfriend. Who you lavaliered. Well surprise to me! Since that night, I’ve noticed a trend in my life. I have unknowingly hooked up with at least three guys with girlfriends, possibly more, and have had three tell me that they would want to be with me if they weren’t with their current girlfriend. Seriously? I was friends with all three of them before they started dating someone. What makes me so much better now? Why am I so date-able now but I wasn’t before? it disgusts me that people can do such horrible things and be okay with it. I hate how they make me feel, even though I know it’s not my fault. I hate that their girlfriends probably have no idea about it and they are living blissfully, still dating an asshole thinking they are the greatest gift on the planet. I wish guys could be decent human beings at least some of the time, but recently, I’m finding it harder and harder to believe there are true gentlemen anymore.

Okay Honestly

I just know you’re obsessed with girls and that you probably want everyone. I’m the fucking idiot for thinking that you may have thought differently about me, fuck no you don’t because you really don’t have feelings for me and I can see that now.

It’s so sad that I even thought that I actually had a chance with you and that maybe I actually meant something to you.

You would be calling me right now or at least trying to get into contact with me, which you’re not. It’s a sign from the universe to move one. That’s what I’m going to do. 

Tears on my Bloody Guitar

I feel so bad cause I’m falling for you. I know you might be breaking up with her but that just makes me feel worse! I want to be with you all the time but I know you need space and stuff… Oh I don’t know! You are just so cool and we get along well and you didn’t even freak out when you found out. I want you to feel the same way about me but mostly I just want you to be happy. If being with Laura is ultimately best for you do it! I just hope we can stay friends for a long time. 

For the optimists and pessimists

It’s really nice to have somewhere that I can just throw out my thoughts. Just let them rip. I can’t remember the last time I wrote in a journal. Usually I just draw or paint. Lately, I found myself coming to this site more and more. I began reading and it became interesting to me that so many people have so many of the same problems. I decided I would try writing myself.

I am from a broken home.

I like to think I am different than most people.

I am an old soul.

I am strong.

After being through all that I have, let me spare you the details, I have become a strong person. I am kind hearted, however, if you fuck with me, you’re done. I have learned blood is not thicker than water. You can’t choose your relatives, but you can choose your family. No matter where you go, no matter where life takes you, you will get through it. You will become a tough person, just like me. There are so many people that weasel their way into your life. The take things from you, the take you for granted, they take advantage of you. These people are called “takers.” They take anything they can from you until you are emotionally as well as physically drained. They despise their lives… which means they try to take you down to better themselves. There are “givers” as well… also known as optimists. They will lend you things and let you take from them without expecting anything in return because their life is so jolly and wonderful, they have no negative energy.

Then there are people like me. I am neither a pessimist or an optimist… I just consider myself and opportunist. When an opportunity comes, I take it. Any chance I get. I don’t think about it, I just do. Which is what brings me here today. I am spontaneous. I am smart. I am strong. I would consider myself one of those people that you really don’t want to mess with… especially if you’re an egotistical piece of shit. But you know what? Fuck it. Fuck life. Life is the most difficult thing I have ever done, I don’t know about you but for me? I was dead set on quitting. I felt like it was time to stop. I was the optimistic person who let anyone walk all over them. Then I was the lonely pessimistic asshole who was a genuine bitch and a kleptomaniac. But you know what? Being both made me realize you need to be a little of each at the same time. I have learned so much in my life, I’m ready to let go. I have lost everyone I love, except for one person.

Can I tell you something? Like REALLY tell you something? You need to listen to me… maybe take it to heart. I will be hard on you, just as everyone was hard on me.

Quit being a little pussy and letting people walk all over you. You need to stop letting them use you. They are not your friends if they only call you when they need you! Grow a pair and tell them to fuck off! Or make them pay. Seriously. “Dude can I crash on your couch for a few weeks? My parents kicked me out.” Fucking make that asshole pay some rennet. Don’t let them take you for anything short of what you’re worth! Be a man and step up. Life is too short to let everyone take your happiness away.

And to the pessimistic asshole: Why the hell are you so down? What’s so wrong about your life? You’re still alive aren’t you? You’re still breathing, yes? Don’t make a life threatening illness an excuse. Get off your lazy ass and go see the world. Put a fucking smile on your face and meet death with a handshake and a hello. All you douchebags don’t realize that life will turn around some day. Whether you are happy being a miserable piece of shit or “misery likes its company” so they say. Either way, don’t be bringing other people down with you. That’s not fucking cool. Some people have worked their asses off to be that optimist that you’re taling everything from. How about this? The next time you try to take with no intentions of giving back… go fuck yourself instead.

Nostalgia and heartbreak,

I guess I built you up in my head more than I intended – built you a castle to live in. My heart fell, and I fell, and by the time you had spent the night with me in my room and said that you did not want anything more than something casual – I had fallen so far, I did not care what you wanted from me. I wanted you, for as long as I could have you. I wanted you and the eyes that were so green, it was like spring ad some early and all the hurt and pain would melt away. But I did not know how the dark corners of your soul were – I did not see how far I had fallen – I did not understand that I was nothing to you, nothing but some stupid girl to use as a gentle reprieve from whatever you were running from. I fell and I fell, and I could not hide it from you – I begged you to be with me. I felt messed up and washed up and so incredibly vulnerable for you, I wondered if you could see the cracks where I might break. But you turned me away. I walked the streets, trying to outpace my thoughts, outpace the nervous despair that I wore like a second skin. You could not let me in, you said. You had not meant to lead me on, you said. But the fault was mine. From that first night, I knew that I was going to fall for you. I knew you were not going to want more. I should have stopped then. What if I had never shown up at your door so long ago? Sometimes I think it would have been better to never loved at all.