Please Explain To Me...

You went and did it again. You kissed me without warning, but once again, we weren't sober. No. You have to basically blacked out, and then when I try to even ask you if you remember the night you ignore me and act awkward around me for the next few days. I just wish you could be mature about it and give me a straight answer and move on-it's not that awkward! You hook up with other people all the time and can talk about it-why am I so different? What makes it awkward with me? Yes, I understand that we're good friends, but it happens. Hell, two of our friends hook up all the time and they don't have to be drunk to talk/joke about it. Why can't you be like that?

I really wish I could go up to you and just ask you straight up-Why is it that  you can only kiss me when you are almost blacked out? Are you embarrassed that you've kissed me? Do you have an attraction to me that's so hidden you don't even want to admit it to yourself unless you're blacked out? Or is that you don't want it to ruin our friendship? Well let me tell you something-it's only gonna ruin it if you let it.

I'll be honest-I've wanted it to happen again for a long time. The first time you kissed me, I felt the fireworks everyone talks about. I thought to myself, "huh, maybe this could be something." But then you turned around and wouldn't talk to me for a few days. This time after it happened, my first thought was "Why the hell did I just let that happen?" And I don't know why. When I look back on it, I'm glad it did. The fireworks were still there; so why did I instantaneously regret it? Did I, in my drunkenness, realize it was a bad idea because of the way the last time turned out? Or did I think that this can't be a real thing-I'm drunk. It's been 4 days now, and while you're not awkward, which makes me hopeful, we haven't exactly seen each other much in those past few days.

And you've confused me again. I just wish I knew what was going through your head in that split second you decided to put your lips on mine. Because I honestly don't know if I like you or not. I like talking to you and hanging out with you and kissing you-but the thing holding me back is the little fact that you only make a move when you're drunk. I just really wish I knew what goes through your head when you see me. That would make my life SO much easier.

So after all that ranting, here's what I really want to tell you: I really wish we could be totally honest with each other about what happened without being awkward. I wish we could kiss while sober, to see what it's like. I wish you would tell me what I mean to you and what you thought before/while kissing me. And finally, I truly hope, even though I probably shouldn't, that we will kiss again. Sober or not.