Nostalgia and heartbreak,

I guess I built you up in my head more than I intended – built you a castle to live in. My heart fell, and I fell, and by the time you had spent the night with me in my room and said that you did not want anything more than something casual – I had fallen so far, I did not care what you wanted from me. I wanted you, for as long as I could have you. I wanted you and the eyes that were so green, it was like spring ad some early and all the hurt and pain would melt away. But I did not know how the dark corners of your soul were – I did not see how far I had fallen – I did not understand that I was nothing to you, nothing but some stupid girl to use as a gentle reprieve from whatever you were running from. I fell and I fell, and I could not hide it from you – I begged you to be with me. I felt messed up and washed up and so incredibly vulnerable for you, I wondered if you could see the cracks where I might break. But you turned me away. I walked the streets, trying to outpace my thoughts, outpace the nervous despair that I wore like a second skin. You could not let me in, you said. You had not meant to lead me on, you said. But the fault was mine. From that first night, I knew that I was going to fall for you. I knew you were not going to want more. I should have stopped then. What if I had never shown up at your door so long ago? Sometimes I think it would have been better to never loved at all.