Will you be my dirty little secret?

To be honest, I don’t even know where to start with this. Maybe I should start by saying I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I would have never guessed I would feel the way I do about you now. That first night we drunk texted and you said you would make out with me if it was the last thing you did, I was completely weirded out and I had no idea what to do with myself. Then I got to know you a bit more and found out you’re actually a really great guy. Why do you have to be such a good person? That just makes things so much more complicated for me. I wish I could get you out of my head, but to be honest all I can think about anymore is how bad I want to be with you. All the goddamn time.

I don’t want a relationship with you-not at all. What I want is for us to sneak around; steal little, hot, secret moments together. I want to get kinky with you-SO bad. I want you to be my dirty little secret and never tell anyone about it. Then in the morning, I want to continue on as friends, just to turn around and do it all over again the next night.

I know the whole “friends with benefits” situation is never ideal, but I feel like in our situation, it would be perfect. Because even though you are a great guy, probably one of the truest people I know-I know a relationship would never work with us. It would just complicate us and ruin everything we are. Let’s not let that happen.

Sincerely

You (hopefully) soon-to-be FWB

Countdown

The
10th of December was
9 days before I left, and there were
8 thousand words I should have been writing at
7 pm that night because I had
6 papers due but you needed a prop girl
5 minutes before the show and be
4 I knew it I was that girl and
3 drinks later I was way too drunk
2 walk myself home and you were the nice
1 who made sure I was okay and my heart went from
0 to 60 everytime you smiled at me.
1 week later at
2 in the morning, you walked me home again, and
3rd times the charm, I asked you to stay
4 the night because it was barely
5 degrees outside and I was falling for you out of
6 billion people in the world, despite only knowing you for
7 days. And now
8 months later, and
90 days since I told you I loved you, I thank god for the
10 days I had with you in December.

I'll ask nicely-Please GTFO

I have one request-please get out of my head. It’s been 9 goddamn months since I’ve seen you and 7 since we’ve even talked. WHY do you still take up a little part of my memory? It’s not like we were even close-we met on a freaking cruise and knew each other for a week. But something about you changed me. And to this day, I can’t put a finger on it.

I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that I know if you professed your love to me, I would drop everything for you, no questions asked. I would do anything to be withyou and I don’t know why.

I wish I could get over you. But I know that’s not gonna happen for a very long time. 

Please Explain To Me...

You went and did it again. You kissed me without warning, but once again, we weren't sober. No. You have to basically blacked out, and then when I try to even ask you if you remember the night you ignore me and act awkward around me for the next few days. I just wish you could be mature about it and give me a straight answer and move on-it's not that awkward! You hook up with other people all the time and can talk about it-why am I so different? What makes it awkward with me? Yes, I understand that we're good friends, but it happens. Hell, two of our friends hook up all the time and they don't have to be drunk to talk/joke about it. Why can't you be like that?

I really wish I could go up to you and just ask you straight up-Why is it that  you can only kiss me when you are almost blacked out? Are you embarrassed that you've kissed me? Do you have an attraction to me that's so hidden you don't even want to admit it to yourself unless you're blacked out? Or is that you don't want it to ruin our friendship? Well let me tell you something-it's only gonna ruin it if you let it.

I'll be honest-I've wanted it to happen again for a long time. The first time you kissed me, I felt the fireworks everyone talks about. I thought to myself, "huh, maybe this could be something." But then you turned around and wouldn't talk to me for a few days. This time after it happened, my first thought was "Why the hell did I just let that happen?" And I don't know why. When I look back on it, I'm glad it did. The fireworks were still there; so why did I instantaneously regret it? Did I, in my drunkenness, realize it was a bad idea because of the way the last time turned out? Or did I think that this can't be a real thing-I'm drunk. It's been 4 days now, and while you're not awkward, which makes me hopeful, we haven't exactly seen each other much in those past few days.

And you've confused me again. I just wish I knew what was going through your head in that split second you decided to put your lips on mine. Because I honestly don't know if I like you or not. I like talking to you and hanging out with you and kissing you-but the thing holding me back is the little fact that you only make a move when you're drunk. I just really wish I knew what goes through your head when you see me. That would make my life SO much easier.

So after all that ranting, here's what I really want to tell you: I really wish we could be totally honest with each other about what happened without being awkward. I wish we could kiss while sober, to see what it's like. I wish you would tell me what I mean to you and what you thought before/while kissing me. And finally, I truly hope, even though I probably shouldn't, that we will kiss again. Sober or not.

Questions After a Hook Up

The questions that I want to ask after our hook up:

How do you feel about having a blunt and honest conversation? Did you have fun? Was I any good? Why didn’t we use a condom? Where do you want to go from here? Do you want it to happen again? Pretend it never happened? If it happens again, do you want it to be the same way – a drunk sort of hook up thing? Could it be a sober hook up thing? Are you interested in more? Getting to know me? Being friends? Friends with benefits? What about anything more? Relationships? Do you do those? Are you emotionally available? Are you interested?

No pressure.

Let me answer my own questions for you: I really would love to be blunt and open, I’m sick of playing games and dancing around what we want or need – you don’t get what you want just willing it to happen. I had fun, you were surprisingly good, which led me to the “do you do this often” question. Did you even come? I don’t consider myself someone who does that sort of thing often. The worst you’re going to catch from me is a cold, which I apologize for, I’m pretty sick right now. I think you’re cute. I do want it to happen again, but I’ll let you dictate on what terms because I’m pretty open to all options. I’d rather not pretend it never happened because that’s childish and I’m not ashamed that it happened. If you don’t want it to happen again, that’s fine. If you want to continue pseudo anonymous hookups with me and not really get to know me, that’s kind of kinky but fine, just let me know. We’d absolutely have to use a condom every time. On the other hand, I would be happy to get to know you, be your friend, or your friend with benefits, and I don’t know you well enough to say anything beyond that.

I really don’t mean to come across as needy or as domineering by asking all of these questions, I just want to open, and perhaps, blunt.